A little journey

October 3, 2008

So I have finally decided to do this. It’s late and I should be going to sleep since I have work 8:00 in the morning, but I would be up watching episodes of the OC anyways. And I know that this is important. Knowing I’ve realized is not enough for there have been far too many times I have known but have not done. So it was a pretty big struggle to actually pull out my laptop and start writing this as the excuses came pouring into my head, “you need to work tomorrow and get a goodnights rest so why don’t you do it during the day when you have time (which you occupy doing a million other time consuming things)”. The fight has been going on everyday and continues and today I decided to give in to the “other” voice. Holy Spirit? Perhaps. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to that voice. Anyways, soo I know I need to be doing this. This knowledge comes from that voice, and this ‘this’ is keeping record of my life so that perhaps I can see the hands of God at work in my life. To see what happens to a completely broken, messed up, in need of fixing life. You see I believe in God. Not only do I believe in God, but I know that God works, he is love, he changes lives, he restores, he heals, etc. I know all this and I believe all this, I’ve seen this, I’ve gotten a glimpse and some taste of this, and I even claim to be his daughter, yet I haven’t experienced the abundance and fullness of the life that he has given me…only to a certain extent…to the extent I want him to and then I take over. So perhaps keeping record will not only keep me accountable for the decision that I have made today to not only know what that abundant life is or looks like but to actually live it to the fullest he has designed me to be. Is that possible? I don’t know, but I think it’s worth trying because this depression thing is not working out for me.

My boyfriend helped me today in making this first step, this decision. He doesn’t know about it yet, and I’m not exactly planning on telling him, hopefully my life will show it. I’ve only told two people that I have been crying before going to bed every single night. It’s this feeling of frustration, trappedness, meaninglessness, hopelessness, and I don’t know just tears. So he prayed for me yesterday. And yesterday for the first time in awhile I did not cry before going to bed. I think there is power in his prayers. So on our way home just a little while ago after we went out for some McD’s I asked him to pray for me again…which has I believe already helped me…in bringing me here. I’m not sure if it is me listening to his prayer, the fact that he is hoping and praying for me, the Holy Spirit at work, or whatever that has caused me to start writing this, but whatever it is…is kinda working for now. At least I won this fight…I’m writing, rather than watching the OC, which I haven’t done in ages. I usually write things to convict or challenge others because I’ve heard, realized, or discovered things that have convicted or challenged me, so this writing is a little different. I’m putting myself out there, out …on this piece of laptop paper, to see what God is made up of.

There’s an interesting section in this book I’m reading called the Shack where Mack, the main character is having a conversation with God in the shack and God describes how Jesus like this bird whose nature is to fly, chooses only to walk and remain on the ground. The bird however never stops being the bird. He explains to Mack that although by nature Jesus is fully God, Jesus is fully human and lives as such. While never losing the innate ability to fly, he chooses moment-by-moment to remain grounded and thus the name Immanuel. Mack then asks about Jesus’ ability to heal the blind, etc. and God interestingly says, “Jesus is fully human. Although he is also fully God, he has never drawn upon his nature as God to do anything. He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to be in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it to the uttermost—the first to absolutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and my goodness without regard for appearance or consequence..So when he healed the blind, he did so as a dependent, limited human being trusting in my life and power to be at work within him and through him. Jesus, as a human being, had no power within himself to heal anyone. Only as he rested in his relationship with me, and in our communion—our co-union—could he express my heart and will into any given circumstance. So, when you look at Jesus and it appears that he is flying, he really is..flying. But what you are actually seeing is me; my life in him. That’s how he lives and acts as a true human, how every human is designed to live—out of my life.” And it goes on. Wow.
I guess that is what this is all about. I want to be in relationship with him to the uttermost, to absolutely trust God’s life within me, to believe in his love and goodness, and to live out of my relationship with God. Ultimately when I die and I have lived this life, the one thing I want people to say about me is God’s life in me. To see His fingerprints written all over me, his workings, and to leave his fingerprints with those I’ve lived with, those I’ve interacted with, those I’ve come in contact with. That’s my desire. There I said it. That is my desire!!!!!!
So where do I begin, well….I’ll start off with one thing…something my friend suggested to me today…listening prayer. You ask God a question and you listen to his answer.
So here it goes.

God, first of all, what would you like me to call you? I’ve been wondering this because ever since I started reading the shack I thought it was kinda interesting how Mack’s wife calls you Papa…although she is not a real person.. anyways, I want to know what you would like me to call you.

Friend. (So interesting how this is the answer. Completely not what I was thinking. I was thinking something more like Poppy or dad or something…I don’t even know if it’s “right” but I guess it works. I mean God is God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit…and we call Jesus, friend right? Anyways…here I go again, justifying what I’ve heard to make sure it fits and is okay.)
Why do you want me to call you ‘friend’?
You say you want to be in uttermost relationship with me. I know that you know that you are my daughter and that I love you dearly, but I don’t think you completely understand that you can have a beautiful friendship with your father. I want you to call me your friend so you can understand that better. I want to be in on your problems, struggles, convictions, excitement, and more. I want to enjoy life with you.
Okay, Friend. I just had to go back and capitalize the ‘f’ on friend…I don’t know I guess it still just doesn’t feel right. I guess this will take some time.
Whenever you’re ready.
So Friend, what do you wanna do?
I wanna play a game with you.
Again? I’ve done this one with you already.
Almost a decade ago.
Okay, what game?
First of all I want you to stop looking up when you talk with me. I’m not way up there in the sky. This game is called, “I spy with my little eyes something that is Me”. I want you to look for me in your everyday life. Is it this? And I will answer you. And then record it. You will find me (not to your surprise because you already “know” this) that I am not way up there. So stop looking up. Be freed from your routine and religious acts. Yes there may be reason which is good to understand but I want you to live free in me.