cry

So I wanted to write my next blog on some of the amazing things God's been doing in my life. But I'm not exactly in the state to do so. Sigh. I think I need to get this off my chest first.

My heart feels like it's been ripped out of me. It hurts so much. I don't know how and when I let myself become this vulnerable...it hurts. I know it was the right thing and I know that God is breaking me apart so that I can be more fully dependent on Him. And I know that this is good and that it'll all be more than okay. And I know he wants me to live the abundant life he has for me. And I'm so grateful that God still wants my heart and he wants to work good in my life even though my heart was somewhere else. And I'm super blessed by all the support and love I know I have around me. But it still hurts. I'm screaming and crying my heart out. I guess it's all part of the healing process.

There's a part of me that wants to go back.But God keeps crying out to me to look forward and look at Him. I'm fighting. I'm fighting so hard. But I feel so weak. If it came back to me right now, I would crumble at any moment. So I've been praying not only for strength and peace but to keep me from going back. B/c I want to, there's a part of me that wants it back so bad. But another part of me that's been crying quietly wants me to want what God wants more than anything else. So I'm refraining and I'm fighting and in the process I believe I am being healed to the core from this aching pain that doesn't seem to be leaving the left side of my chest.
All I can do right now is just cry. And it's okay.