Precious Gem

One of my friends whom I met while volunteering a year ago in the DTES sent me a message. And in that message one of the things she wrote was:
"You will learn many things that are not written in the textbooks. It is written in the hearts of the people (patients) you will meet. You take care coz the world needs somebody like Grace."

I can't believe the amount of impact those words are having on me right now.

I gain soooo much from her and her life story. She's been through heck of a lot and has been quite hurt by the church and is having a hard time believing there is a God.

She is so beautiful and I know God loves her soooo much. Please pray for her.

I'm meeting her in two hours! I'm sooo excited to see her!

A couple of lyrics

I just wanna share the lyrics to a couple of songs I wrote a while ago.

Walking

Walking through each day, wonderin where I'm going
The sun is down before I even know what I'm doing
So I close my eyes and I shut my ears
Turn off my mind and just keep on walking

Desensitize me so I don't gotta think no more
Desensititize me with shows, clothes and booze
Desensitize me with another cup of coffee please

Look to the east and the west
Lectures and theories, philosophies
Where are the answers to my hearts condition
Scared to see what I will find so subconsciously I shout

Desensitize me so I don't gotta think no more
Desensitize me with busy-ness, no time to spare
Desensitize me with another cup of coffee please...

Walking just walking just walking...
Walking and walking just walking...


Will your Kingdom Come?

I can hear the world cry out, injustice all around me
But I keep on walking as none's wrong

I can see my friend choke down, people dying 'round me
But I close my eyes to see no one

I can't do this longer now, I've become a corpse
Strip me to the core so I can breathe

I want to breathe want to be free
To live a life created for me
Oh God break me apart
Help me to see your heart

I can hear the world cry out, injustice all around me

I can see my friend choke down, people dying 'round me

But I choose to be a part of Kingdom Come.

Entry 2

What we say, what we do, what we wear, what we eat is what we promote with our lives whether it is what we want to promote or not.

Every action has so much meaning, probably more than we know. For example something as simple as going to tim hortons and purchasing coffee. I'm guessing that tim hortons coffee isn't fair trade. Just the act of buying that coffee says "I am okay with purchasing something that might not have been ethically traded." Or "I'm okay that maybe some people may not have been paid properly (or treated properly)" because I continue to promote this with my dollars. And although it is not something we would deliberately do, we are continuing the problem with our money and by saying it is okay to others around us (b/c we just bought it).

I don't mean to be all ethical and "lets change the world". But do we think about the clothes we buy? Where it was made or how it was made? Some people argue that if it weren't for sweat shops people would be jobless or would end up in prostitution and what not. So does that mean sweat shops are okay b/c it's the lesser of the evils??
Do we think about the impact of eating meat, not just for how the animals are treated in our factory farms (although that is unbelievably bad enough) but also on our environment (factory farming) and how our north american meat consumption affects our health?
Choosing to spend more of our time in entertainment over family? Or bf over friends? It's not that they're bad but that what we do is a representation of our state...the state of our heart..the state of our priorities. It isn't necessarily what we want, but it represents what it is.

I find sometimes the person I want to be seems so far, idealistic, impossible, or difficult. I look around me and there are problems everywhere. Where do I start? I think a lot of us also have a tendency not to do something unless it's perfect or there are results. For me living as the person God wants me to be while living in this world seems impossible. So what then? Do nothing about it? In one of my classes I learned that this is called naturalistic fallacy-when we don't move to the 'ought' b/c it's always been like this or there is nothing you can do. It's pretty much an invalid arugument.

Anyways, so I decided..fine...I'll do what I can within what I can do. So I began buying fairtrade coffee and tea. When I go to starbucks I will ask if they have their fairtrade coffee (which are Estima, Verona, and Organic mexican something-->they are starbucks' certified fairtrade coffees. Their other ones are apparently fairly traded but haven't been certified yet b/c of costs.)I don't buy meat when I go grocery shopping and try to buy free range eggs (altho i'm a little iffy about that too now). I've purchased bags that can be used over again (made from recycled material) for grocery shopping, shopping etc. I'm trying to buy fairtrade stuff...clothing being the most difficult b/c there is barely anything in Canada and the U.S. I'm having a hard time going to thrift stores instead (I should try more). And there is still so much more I can do. It's an uphill battle sometimes because it's not like you see changes and differences being made.

But you know what..just because I can't change the world or make a difference does not mean I should give up. Why? B/c God looks at your heart. What are you going to do about the things you can do? Can I see that you're trying to live it out? B/c God uses very non-special unexpecting people with the right heart.

I want my life to reflect the kind of person I want to become. I want to become a woman who gives some crap about God's creation (his people, the environment, and even the animals-->watch earthlings). I want to reflect a life that isn't consumed by me. When I've lived this life I want people to say I cared. I want people to see that even though I didn't have much, there was life and an undying hope to me that could only come from God. I want to have lived an abundant life. I want people to say “Her heart was taken by God” “She was all about the kingdom of God on earth and she didn’t choose to be discouraged by what she saw around her…she had an ongoing hope even when things seemed hopeless or impossible."

I'm still so far from who I want to become but that doesn't mean I don't do anything about it. Even if I fail to live in the way I want over and over again, I get back up, learn, get better, keep going, trusting and hoping in God and becoming the woman he created me to be consumed by His will, His kingdom (what He wants).

Like Hillsong said when they came to Tbird..my life is like a guitar and when it's in the right hands beautiful music can be made from it. I give my life to you God to play beautiful music.

So these were my thoughts from awhile ago which I just haven't had time to blog.

cry

So I wanted to write my next blog on some of the amazing things God's been doing in my life. But I'm not exactly in the state to do so. Sigh. I think I need to get this off my chest first.

My heart feels like it's been ripped out of me. It hurts so much. I don't know how and when I let myself become this vulnerable...it hurts. I know it was the right thing and I know that God is breaking me apart so that I can be more fully dependent on Him. And I know that this is good and that it'll all be more than okay. And I know he wants me to live the abundant life he has for me. And I'm so grateful that God still wants my heart and he wants to work good in my life even though my heart was somewhere else. And I'm super blessed by all the support and love I know I have around me. But it still hurts. I'm screaming and crying my heart out. I guess it's all part of the healing process.

There's a part of me that wants to go back.But God keeps crying out to me to look forward and look at Him. I'm fighting. I'm fighting so hard. But I feel so weak. If it came back to me right now, I would crumble at any moment. So I've been praying not only for strength and peace but to keep me from going back. B/c I want to, there's a part of me that wants it back so bad. But another part of me that's been crying quietly wants me to want what God wants more than anything else. So I'm refraining and I'm fighting and in the process I believe I am being healed to the core from this aching pain that doesn't seem to be leaving the left side of my chest.
All I can do right now is just cry. And it's okay.