Courage

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately because I've been realizing more and more how much I lack it. The thing is, I didn't really want this..this courage.. desperately enough to ask for it before. I may have kind of wanted it in my head but I didn't want it with my being because of fear (again the fear) that I might have to do uncomfortable and scary things. It wasn't until I realized the disturbance and influence of fear in my life when I decided to truly ask for courage.

For example..

I feared conflict...so I avoided them.

I feared some stuff that happened in the past...so I lived a defensive, passive aggressive and sometimes angry life.

I feared making a fool of myself...so I never tried anything that might make me look like one.

I feared possible or potential hopeless situations...so I lived as though I was already defeated. 

So I started looking up definitions and quotes on courage and came across some that stirred my soul.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  ~Dorothy Bernard

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms.  It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die.  ~G.K. Chesterton

Courage is a peculiar kind of fear.  ~Charles Kennedy

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.  ~C.S. Lewis

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you're scared.  ~Edward Vernon Rickenbacker

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.  ~Ambrose Redmoon

The first and the last ones are my favourite. I want to be able to say with my life.. "Yes I am sometimes scared to death to live a kind of life that You have called me to live but I am going to do it anyways because there is something more important and more powerful than the influence of fear. Jesus has overcome the world!  And I am His and He is mine." 

My God is Higher than any other.

Wednesday-Thursday, December 1-2, 2010 (from my journal)

Addressed to my brothers and sisters who will need to hear this... please listen to this. We are living in a world full of so much evil and injustice all around us. Yet, we as the church who are supposed to be full of power and authority sit with absolutely no care and no power. Why? Because we are way too comfortable.

Will you sit and do nothing? Until when? Until the comforts of your life are removed from you? Will you continue to allow evil to slowly seep into your life while being completely unaware of it and allowing it to blind you and take over your thoughts? And then what? Will you allow it to destroy you and destroy those around you? When will you wake up! When the hell will you wake up! Literally! You sit and allow the evil to take over not only your thoughts but also your mind… slowly but surely it will turn from thoughts to habits and behaviors and from habits and behaviors to character. Will you allow fear to overcome you? For how long? Until it paralyzes you to death!

I am saying this because I am so embarrassed to see how much darkness I have been living in without even realizing it! The things that seemed so harmless and ridiculous grew and grew into dangerous habits bringing about dangerous ways of doing life which was bringing me down a dangerous path of destruction of myself and those I claim to love. How could I? How could I have even dare to go about living comfortably mixed in with the things that are not of God. How dare I!

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

But I was living in fear, worry, hate, jealousy, anger, paranoia, depression, sexual immorality, greed, grumbling, and arrogance. Oh what dark places I have been living in without realizing the grip of the enemy in my life. Oh and the fear that paralyzed me from being able to do anything.

But how could I think that anything is greater than or too big for God?

My God...

My God turned water into wine.

My God brought sight to the blind.

My God freed His people from slavery.

My God used messed up people to do mighty things.

My God changed the timid into the courageous.

Into the darkness You shine! Out of the ashes we rise! WOW!!!! Incredible!

My God healed the royal official’s son when He told the royal official “Go your son will live”. (John4:46-54)

My God healed a demon-possessed man in Capernaum. (Mark 1:21-28; Luke 4:33-37).

My God healed Peter’s mother-in-law of a high fever. (Matthew 8:14-15; Mark 1:29-31; Luke 4:38-39).

My God caught a LARGE number of fish. During this time Jesus told Simon, “Do not be afraid, from now on you will be fishing for the souls of men.” (Luke 5:3-10)

My God healed a leper. (Matthew 8:1-3; Mark 1:40-42).

My God healed a centurion’s servant who was close to death. Jesus was amazed by the Centurions faith that his servant would be healed only if Jesus spoke the word, and Jesus was amazed by such faith. (Matthew 8:5-13; Luke 7:1-10).

My God forgave the sins of a paralytic man. (Matthew 9:1-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:18-26)

My God brought walking to the paralyzed. (Matthew 9:1-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:18-26) and people who witnessed were all amazed and glorified my God saying, “We have never seen anything like this”.

My God healed a withered hand and answered the Pharisees with a question, “I ask you, is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the Sabbath, to save life or to destroy it?” (Matthew 12:9-14; Mark 3:1-6) In other words, my God is bigger than the laws and rules in place, superstitions, misconstrued ideas and beliefs.

My God raised a widow’s son from the dead. (Luke 7:11-17)

My God calmed the stormy sea and told the wind and the sea to be still. (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25).

My God healed a Gerasene man full of demons. (Matthew 8:28-32; Mark 5:1-13; Luke 8:26-33).

My God healed a woman with internal bleeding (hemorrhages for twelve years) that was getting worse when she touched His clothes. (Matthew 9:20-22; Mark 5:25-34; Luke 8:43-48)

My God healed Jairus’ daughter who was near death or who had died. He said that she was sleeping and he called out and said, “Child get up”.  (Matthew 9:18-19, 23-25; mark 5:22-24; 35-43; Luke 8:41-42; 29-56)

Child get up! My Child get up! And live victoriously in Him who is victorious! Amen.

My God brought sight to the blind. (Matthew 9:27-31)

My God healed a mute demoniac (someone influenced/possessed by the demon) and the mute spoke once Jesus cast out the demon. (Matthew 9:32-33)

My God healed a 38 year invalid and he said, “My Father is still working, and I also am working.” (John 5:5-17)

My God fed 5000 men and their families. (Matthew 14:16-21; Mark 6:35-44; Luke 9:12-17; John 6:5-14).

…to be cont’d...

Basically my God is higher than any other. There is no higher authority than my God. My God is GOD. No one can deny.

May my life reflect this truth in every single way. May no fiber in my being deny this truth. May I live in the fullness of what it means to proclaim you as LORD. May gratitude fill my soul for Your abounding love and grace. May courage be my second name. Why? Because I am Yours and You are for me and You are with me.. so what could stand against. Ha!

God, help me to grow into this name.. COURAGE!

My child get up! Get up and live victoriously in Him who is victorious!

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. -Mark Twain

update part 2

I keep trying to write this next section “massive update 2” but there’s this weird block. It’s hard to explain. I’ve been sort of waiting for this weird block to go away so that I could write this next section, but it’s not. So I think I’m just gonna have to push myself to do this one. Here goes.

So I went to Him in prayer with my dilemma knowing that doing so I was allowing the possibility of doing my final placements in the area that I hated. But as soon as I went to Him, He simply confirmed my desires. He confirmed that He places desires and passions in our hearts and that there is a reason I am particularly drawn to mental health. So I wrote it down, “Mental Health” and I had peace.

The last semester of my nursing degree was too good to be true. I had two amazing placements. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

My first very short six week placement was at BC Children’s Neuropsychiatry Outpatient. I had to wait longer than most students to find out about this placement that I had requested. I worked alongside an amazing nurse and just learned tons about OCD, Tourettes, ADHD, autism, FAS, and more (Basically things that were never covered in nursing school.) I loved it. It was…almost…too natural. Although I did not have any experience in this area something seemed to click. The nurse clinician that I was working with was quite simply impressed and sent a recommendation email to the Educator who sets up all of the preceptorships to see if I could get my preceptorship experience in child or adolescent psychiatry. Oddly enough the preceptorship placement that I was suppose to get at Venture did not go through which came as quite a surprise to one of the nursing students who was doing her placement there, but instead a placement at BC Children’s came up on the Eating Disorders unit through the connection between the nurse clinician I was working with and the Educator.

This kind of scared me since I had absolutely no experience or knowledge on Eating Disorders but I was also excited to see what His reasons were for connecting me in this way.

I finished my preceptorship on this unit and I still am in the process of unpacking and reflecting on everything. However, so far this is what I have:

1. I had an amazing preceptor. She was sweet, understanding, flexible, and really allowed me to grow in my own kind of way on the unit.

2. I pretty much got to choose my schedule. This worked out so amazingly because I really didn’t know what I was going to do about my commitment as a youth small group leader if I got the typical nursing shifts (working 4 on 5 off). He took care of this!

3. The Eating Disorders unit was nothing like I expected.

There’s more but like I said I haven’t discovered/realized/unpacked them yet. But with what I have written so far, it almost seems like God was trying to have some mercy on me or have favour on me. The contrast between this last semester and some of the semesters I’ve been through just seems too contrasting. I don’t really know how else to describe it. It almost seems like I’ve been given a gift and I have yet to find out why. Or perhaps it was just a gift that I am to accept.

All in all, everything was too good to be true, but it was true. Now I am finally done nursing school, I have made some connections, I have some great references and am praying about the next steps to take.

“God reveals in the midst of obedience.” P.D.

I suppose I am trying to find out what I am to be obedient to. I haven’t really been getting anything lately. Things are still pretty unclear.

But while I was moving out of my place in Vancouver I was taking down some of the stuff on my Dream Wall. I made a wall in my room into a Dream wall where I posted all of the dreams and desires that God has placed in my heart. Sometimes I lose sight of these dreams when I get caught up with stuff. And sometimes the stuff muddles up or blinds me from the dreams God has placed on my heart. Whether I will reach them or not I have yet to find out but I still wanted to have them there.

But now that I am out of my Vancouver suite I will post them here.

1.Regent College (Every time I walked past this school to go to UBC Hospital for my nursing classes my desire to go to this school grew and grew. I want to go and take classes there not for any other reason or objective but to learn the stuff because I want to. I want to get into it and understand the culture and context of the word that I read. I want to just soak it all up. Also, there’s something about that school. Perhaps there is a visual attachment but that visual attachment is what has been continually stirring my desire till now.)

2. India (I have wanted to go to India for some sort of work/missions for a long time now. My heart is drawn to that country and I can’t get it out of my mind.)

3. Adopt a child (This has been on my heart ever since I was little. I feel like unless I make a conscious effort to keep this on my mind and heart other things in life will steal it away and give me a million reasons not to.)

4. Open up a Coffee Shop Ministry in Vancouver (as written in more detail in one of my other blogs)

5. Write a book (Now, I think/know I am a horrible writer but I am hoping that as the years go by perhaps things will get better. If not, there are always editors. ha. This particular desire is not because I think I can write but because I want to keep record of God’s workings in my life.  Just like the blurb in my profile description, I want to

Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God" Ephesians 3:18-19. What does this mean? What does this look like?

Anyways, now that there is this hiring freeze, as much as I would really like to have a job right now and start paying off my loans and get a start in “life”, there isn’t a more opportune moment to take a class or two right now at regent. I keep making excuses for myself to not go after these dreams that have been placed on my heart. What better time is there than now to take these classes? When I’m married? When I have children? When I am in more debt because of “life”? What is living? Life is truly lived when we live it in the fullness of God. It is often too easy to forget that our life is like a mist that is here and then vanishes away when we try to make our own story. Rather, may I take part in a bigger story, His story, the only story that will actually last. 

massive update 1

So I haven't really been keeping up to date on my blogspot about my journey with God but I am not even sure if anyone really comes on here except for the three people I know of already. But for the purpose of being up to date I shall update!

Since I have decided to reenter into the nursing program it has been challenging but super rewarding. Not only has my previous talent story, on one of my old blogs, prompted me to reenter but other huge confirmations/promptings. One of the biggest ones being God's reply to my thoughts of doubt regarding nursing as my career. I was unsure if this was really for me and whether this was really what I wanted to do with my life. He simply replied, "Grace, nursing will not be your identity. I give you your identity and I will use the skills and things you gain from nursing to do mighty things. Nursing is not the end goal. I have so much more in store. You can't even imagine. You must first take the first step of faith, trust and obedience. Then I will reveal the next step. Trust. Trust me. I love you. Trust me." Our pastor recently said to us at leadership retreat, "God reveals in the midst of obedience not beforehand" P.D. This has so far been true.

My sense of identity initially had come from this career that I had to choose and live with for the rest of my life. My identity hadn't come from God as my Father, whom I claimed to love and trust but it came from what I was able to make of myself. Everything I did was, I believed to be, out of my own effort including school, getting into University, and the first three years. School, friends, everything in my life generally came easily to me. I suppose I was one of those "hated" kids by others who experienced more difficulties in life. I never really took things for granted or at least I tried not to and was grateful for all that I had. I always wanted to serve God and others and make a difference BUT there was one fundamental thing that was missing. I was under the impression that everything flowed out of my effort. I was under the impression that I got into nursing and that I would use it to serve God and even use it to go on missions in the future. Even serving God I thought was out of my efforts. I did not fully understand trust, faith, dependence and obedience. It was by God's grace that He used my failure to bring about His good.

For the first time in my life I failed a course. Now this may sound like nothing for many people and even for me at the time I brushed it off as, "oh it's no big deal in the big scheme of things" while trying to guard my emotions in my distorted thinking that I was protecting myself and being strong and moving on. But: 1. I had received a nursing scholarship the year before, 2. I have never failed in my life..I grew up in an asian family, what more can I say. jokes. Actually I usually gave up before having a chance to fail when I didn't have confidence in something which is actually worse than failing. It was to protect my insecurity and gave me a false sense of security. Anyways, and 3. The way the nursing program was structured I was unable to retake this course on the side while continuing on with my other classes with my classmates. But I had to retake it with a whole new class that was one semester behind me. Now the classes are pretty small, around 60 people, so basically everyone would know.

Now before this point I was actually already on the fence about nursing. Now this completely threw me onto the other side. I didn't think nursing was for me. I took "time off" with the intention of finding another career during my time off but still having nursing as a back-up in case I couldn't find anything.

During that year off I had plans to go on missions, perhaps go travelling, find a new career path, learn some more guitar and do all the things I've been wanting to do during school. None of it happened. It was perhaps one of the worst years of my life. I plummeted into depression. I had strange emotions and I would break out into crying for unknown reasons. My boyfriend thought I needed to see a therapist or counsellor because he sure didn't understand me. I would get mad at him for suggesting such things but the truth was, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I was working three jobs and "doing church" and it wasn't until I came to a point of being honest with God about myself and how I felt, despite the logic I had been trying to drill into myself to protect myself and make myself feel better, when true healing and transformation began.

I was lost. I was burnt out. I didn't have any answers. I felt that everything I once believed in and held were slipping out of my hands. I didn't understand how to live as God wanted me to. I was upset about failing my course, extremely upset. I felt behind the rest of my classmates in life. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was upset with myself. I simply kept saying, "I just don't know". The only things that I really knew at that point were three things: 1. I did not want to go back into nursing, 2. I felt I needed to continue to work at one of my jobs, 3. I needed to trust one simple truth, that God is good.

By opening these things up God brought me to some uncomfortable but liberating realizations about myself. He asked me, "Why don't you want to return into nursing?" "Well, I don't want to bump into my old classmates at school and my other old classmates in the hospitals who would've graduated already. I would feel behind. I don't know if this is what I want to do. I'm afraid of failing again since then I'll really look like an idiot". I replied honestly. I realized I had some insecurity and identity problems. Then God said,  "Grace, nursing will not be your identity. I give you your identity and I will use the skills and things you gain from nursing to do mighty things. Nursing is not the end goal. I have so much more in store. You can't even imagine. You must first take the first step of faith, trust and obedience. Then I will reveal the next step. Trust. Trust me. I love you. Trust me."

From this point on I dreaded absolutely dreaded every day that led me closer to returning to the program. Then I felt like a child again with worries about making friends with a new class who have already been together for a while. I was afraid of bumping into old classmates in the school or those working in the hospitals. I worried about how I would explain my situation to others. I worried about partner and group activities and who I would work with. A million thoughts and worries rushed through my head. But I chose to trust. I continued to remind God but moreso remind myself that there is a reason God wants me to do this even if I don't understand it. So I told God, "There is no way I can do this with my own strength. I've found that my efforts have failed me. I honestly have no motivation to be going back. I have absolutely no desire at this point. You're gonna have to work some magic God if I am really gonna do this. Only through You, can I do this. Only by You."

It was a 180 degree change. From, "I'm gonna do this and serve God with this" to "God, only by you. I need to depend on you every single day to do this".

The first four months I depended on God for strength and courage to make friends, not get discouraged, get through difficult classes, and be able to face old classmates. And He did. He gave me strength and later seeing old classmates didn't even evoke any emotions inside because I found confidence and knew where I was. When I struggled with being behind in life, God simply said to me, "Grace, would you rather be done school and working but still living under the same impression that you were under, or would you rather be here right now doing and knowing what you know, and doing this because you know that I CALLED you here". It was amazing and He healed my hurts and wounds just like that.
People from my new class liked me and from the beginning till this day I have always been asked to be someone's partner or work in a group together. God took care of even the smallest of my worries. Unfortunately I had been pretty anti-social, trying to find time to myself outside of school. Anyways, AND I developed an interest! I developed a keen interest and desire in mental health. It was amazing to see God come through in even the smallest things. I journaled almost every other day during these first few months to keep track of God's goodness and faithfulness in my life.

Then before entering the next four months I was paralyzed by fear. It was the very semester that focused on the very course that I had failed two years back but in a much "harder" version. Instead of subacute medical/surgical, it was acute med-surg. I hated it. I feared it. But I didn't really fear the clinical/practical aspect of it because I never really had problems in that area but just that one course aspect of it. I depended on God during these next four months to come through as well. I focused on my studies so that I wouldn't fail again. This time I had a hella clinical/practical experience. I thought I already experienced the worst clinical instructor the semester before during my geriatrics rotation but this instructor was so many times worse. My boyfriend said it was the first time he ever heard me call anyone a bitch and that she must really be one. I'm not proud of saying that. She gave me a tough time. She did it for the sake of the acutely ill patients but her brutal honest opinions mixed with her way of expressing it was extremely difficult to handle. I didn't always agree with her opinions and it was never stated constructively. I never thought an instructor could be so harsh. I remember going into a washroom stall one day after my mid-term evaluation before reading break and just crying when she gave me my evaluation and told me that I scared her. She didn't believe in me as a nurse. I just stood in the stall and before I knew it I had tears rolling down my face. In that stall I let out a prayer, "God, I am so sad. I am so hurt. This is so hard" and I weeped.

During my painful reading break I decided to really put my mind to turning things around but I have a problem with pressure. I have a tendency to crumble when I am under pressure. On my first day back I tried but I screwed up lots and of course my instructor noticed everything. But with continuous strength that came from my loving Father I made it through. She told me during my final evaluation that I really turned things around and stepped up my game after my mid-term evaluation. I passed clinical. All to my Father. I wouldn't have been able to do it without You. Then I somehow attained straight A's in all of my classes as well. God came through for me again and continued to remind me that He was with me and that there is a reason for all of this. During the midst of all this there have been many character building things. God was preparing me for something. I just didn't know what. But I discovered one simple statement that I began living by, "No matter what happens in life, there is nothing greater than walking with God". While walking with God I just fell more and more in love with Him.

Before entering into my final practicum I had to choose my area of interest for my placements. Now this is significant because this placement also semi-predicts the area that you may go into after graduation. Now as I had mentioned before I grew a keen interest for mental health. I did not expect this when I first entered into nursing. But I was fascinated by how much power our mind and emotions have on our body and health, how mental health is on a spectrum from stress on one side to schizophrenia. I also couldn't believe how such a vital part of our health is neglected and separated by society. Everyone including a huge chunk of my class clearly expressed interest in the body and med/surg hoping to eventually move into other areas of nursing such as ER, cardiac, etc. I've heard statements from classmates such as, "I got to do trach care this week. It was so much fun". In med school mental health is at the bottom of the list. Some nursing school don't even offer mental health. I hear story after story from patients about health care professionals who simply don't care and don't ever ask how they are feeling. We are too busy doing our tasks, achieving our goals, looking after too many patients, and looking at the illness that we forget the face and the person behind it all. My desire and spirit of advocating for mental health began to grow and grow. But I didn't want to pray about my placement.

I didn't want to pray about it because I was afraid that if I did, God was going to "challenge me"by going into the very area that I did not want to go into, med-surg. So I put off praying about it and putting in my placements information until the night before the sheets were due. That night I struggled and fought and I knew I couldn't just put in what I wanted while feeling comfortable with it without talking about it with God and hear what He had in mind. Besides it was His idea. He wanted me back in nursing. I couldn't live the rest of my life without knowing what He had in mind. If that meant going into med-surg I was gonna have to obey. So I went to Him in prayer with my dilemma knowing that doing so I was allowing the possibility of doing my final placements in the area that I hated.

INFP the Idealist

You are a special and sensitive individual that needs a career which is more than just a job. You need to feel that what you do everyday has special meaning and can live your life in accordance to your strong value system. You are focused on constant growth and have a positive outlook on life. Because you are driven to do find meaning and purpose in your work, you will be happiest in careers where you are allowed to work towards those values you hold and towards the greater good of humanity as a whole. Many of the great writers of the world have been INFPs.

Some of your personality traits include:

* Strong value systems

* Warmly interested in people

* Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above your own

* Loyal and devoted to people and causes

* Future-oriented

* Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction

* Creative and inspirational

* Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated

* Sensitive and complex

* Dislike dealing with details and routine work

* Original and individualistic - "out of the mainstream"

* Excellent written communication skills

* Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams

* Value deep and authentic relationships

* Want to be seen and appreciated for who you are

Some of your suggested careers are:

* Writer

* Counselor / Social Worker

* Teacher / Professor

* Psychologist

* Psychiatrist

* Musician

* Clergy / Religious Workers

I have a dreamm

Coffee Shop:

You know there’s something special about coffee shops. There’s so much going on. People reading, people having conversations with one another, students studying, people relaxing, and all of this is going on inside of one shop. Sometimes I think of all the potential things that can happen in a coffee shop and I get so excited because there is so much within something so small…coffee. Creating relationships, sharing life, gaining information, ..over some coffee. I have a dream and desire is to maximize all that can happen within and out of a coffee shop. Maximize the potential for creation. Maximize the potential for deep relationships. I want to see what can happen when there is community and that community is stirred and challenged and engaged. I want to see healing. Mmmm…just the thought of it makes my heart leap.

If I could have it my way these are some of the things that I would want:

Fairtrade coffee (all coffee beans and espresso beans fairly traded. And public awareness)

Local art (selling canvas at the counter and having a space within the shop (like a corner or balcony section with supplies for art) and using this space to create and then using these community art pieces as decorations within the shop) and local musicians (once again the idea of community)

Vegetarian food- factory farming awareness (what it does to the animals, our health, and our environment; showing the public that there are other ways/alternatives)

Specializing in a certain type of food often times sells a business such as cupcake stores etc. Well....I would love this shop to specialize in Croissants! Vegetarian croissants, with spinach and feta inside, cheese, dessert croissants, original plain butter croissants, yummy vegetarian sandwiches made of croissants etc.

Eco-friendly cups (not only used recycled stuff for the paper to-go cups but also use that eco-friendly stuff for the plastic cups for cold drinks…like the candycane fiber…or something; Even selling knitted stuff for coffee such as coffee holders etc, cool mugs, etc. would be great

Free wireless internet-available, student-friendly

Close late—2am

Donate all leftover food from that day to a homeless ministry or do a sandwich drive every night; and make a fresh batch of croissants the next morning! Mmm

Sundays-have church service right inside the coffee shop! It’s like a coffee shop ministry. Cooleos.

This is my dream. It’s been planted in my heart since 2007ish. The thing with dreams is it’s kind of funny. You can either keep it as a dream, far from reality or you can pursue it. The problem that I am finding is that you can’t pursue it simply with your own efforts. God has to lead it and there has to be collaboration with God. The hard part is to wait for his timing and not your own, to learn to be patient, to be stretched in all sorts of ways (because He wants to develop the right character for the job), to go through all sorts of, you think, unrelated events and processes. I know that this dream has been planted in my heart by Him, the one who gives us our desires. I’ve already learned once the hard way what happens when you start something with your own efforts and initiative without waiting for his green light, even though he is the one who gave me the heart in the first place...It’s bad news. I’m learning to wait. And I have no idea how on earth something like this will pan out. I just need to obey the small little steps in front of me. I just need to trust Him. And the most important thing is that my focus can’t be on the dream, and the end product/result. My focus, attention, and eyes need to be on Him. Because only He can make a way (the way it’s suppose to be) and in the end (the real end) it’s all about Him anyways, so all our efforts will be futile and pointless if it isn’t in Him. So I rest my case. I will no longer try to do things on my own. I wait. And I walk with the only One who can make a way for me. The point is the Who, it’s always been the Who, and will always be the Who. May all glory and honor go to Him, my Father.

Name of Coffee Shop: ...to be decided. Something along the line's of Jasmine ministry

Vision: ….to be decided. But I have a feeling it has something along the line’s of healing

Fountain-living

One day I was sitting in the pews at church and God flashed a beautiful picture of a fountain at me. This picture unravelled some truths in my life that I hadn't realized. So I started writing on it. I don't have very much, but this is what I have so far.

The Order of God

Have you ever thought about what happens when we live life out of order? When following the order of a recipe what happens when we put the pan full of ingredients into the oven before actually mixing it altogether? I’ve never done this before but I would imagine parts of the “baked good” would become burnt, other parts out of place, the eggs would be completely cooked, and it would look like one big giant mess. For some reason when we follow the order of the recipe, even though we use all the same ingredients, the baked good comes out exactly the way the maker (of the recipe) intended it to be. In the same way God is the Creator, Maker of the Universe, and he is a God of order. There is an order and a way this life was meant to be lived. Unfortunately we have missed the mark and messed up real bad. We are that big unmixed baked mess. Fortunately Jesus lived in the rightful order of the way God intended every human being to live. This order is what I will call the “fountain-way”. Before I begin discussing the various parts of the fountain, I will begin by stating something that someone taught me during my work in the Downtown Eastside (DTES) of Vancouver which I will never forget. I believe it is a pretty well-known theological? model used. I worked at a drop-in center in the DTES called the Living Room which is a huge room that people in the DTES with severe mental illness can access for services, activities, food, or just sit down to play a game of scrabble and crib. During my work there I had a lot of free time and opportunity to talk to many people including this one man I cam across.  He was one of those rare deep thinkers. He has read so many books and thought of so many things, 50% of the time I could not follow what he was saying. Not because he didn’t make any sense but because his thinking was too deep. I used to begin by making a conscious effort to try and follow what he was saying but about halfway through a philosophy or concept I would lose him and just sit there nodding my head and sitting in complete confusion. Among the many many many things that he shared with me, one thing that stuck out for me was the concept of the vertical and horizontal cross. Up until that point I have never heard or thought of this before. He told me that one of the reasons that he lived in this neighbourhood as one of "these people" was due to the horizontal aspect of the cross. He went on to say much more; unfortunately the only thing I remember is the fact that the vertical line represents our relationship with God, whereas the horizontal line represents social justice and our relationship with others around us. Both are needed to make the cross and what he was saying was that for many Christians, the horizontal line is missing and unless we have both we don't really understand the meaning of the cross. In other words you aren't really a follower of Christ, you are only "labelled one" unless your life reflects both lines of this cross. This line of thinking is in fact one of the reasons I even began exposing myself to different works in the DTES. I grew up in a safe church and in a Christian family and I knew there was much more to what God had in mind when he sent his Son. I too believed this to be doing something about the social injustices of this world. I was yearning to know God’s heart and what He was all about and surprise surprise, he showed it to me. He showed me his heart for mankind, his heart ache and tears upon injustice, and his unconditional love for the very people in my backyard, the Downtown Eastside. I could not contain myself upon this truth. I could not turn my eye. I could not ignore what I had just learned. Immediately I acted upon this revelation of truth. I felt like I had finally realized the purpose of my life. At that point in my life I did all that I could do, unfortunately I could not give more than I wanted due to the nursing program at school that I was in, but I did what I could. I knew there was some major injustice even within our city when I walked down east hastings. I helped out at Beauty Nights for the women in the DTES, I volunteered at a clinic, I volunteered at a Christian organization, and eventually I began working in the DTES at the Living Room and Mission Possible. I learned a lot. The hard way. In many ways I am glad I did because God knew I was yearning for truth. I learned from people’s stories and my heart broke and cried out for this neighborhood. The history, the physical and sexual abuse that many of these people experienced, the way some lives spun out of control, the rejection people have received from family and society, and the coping strategy of drugs and alcohol some of these people used to escape from the hurt and pain only to find themselves spinning into a deeper and darker vicious cycle. The injustice tore my heart and like many others I could not understand how mainstream church could also turn a blind eye to these people. As time went by however, my heart ran dry, my efforts seemed pointless, my love for people began to feel fake, and I kept saying to myself over and over, "Love is an action, not a feeling", "Faith is an action, not a feeling". I continued to chug along until I hit.. depression, apathy, loss of motivation, bitterness, and periods of overwhelming emotions to no emotions whatsoever. What is this? Why is this? I asked God. He said, “Grace, you wanted to know my heart and I shared with you my heart. I also gave you this heart for people for a reason. But you missed the mark." "What do you mean?" I asked him. "That is very superwoman of you to act upon the truth that I revealed to you; however, first of all, I never asked you to be superwoman but more importantly I didn’t say yes. I didn’t give you the green light. Yes I gave you this special heart but you weren’t ready to go out for what I have in store for you.”

Fountain-living

There are those of us who act with zeal without the preparation or foundation and green light that has been given to us, and there are those of us who wait and wait even when God has given us the green light and wait our lives away. This is specifically referring to a situation post-accepting Christ as your Lord and Savior. In one of my favorite books by Shane Claiborne, he stated, “Jesus taught us how to live”. Yes, he did. I also agree with the vertical and horizontal aspect of the cross and that both are needed to worship God. Our love for others is also considered our worship to God. Our love for God is also reflected in our love for others. I just want to emphasize that accepting Christ as the only way to God comes before the second part of Christianity, “how to live”. The "how to live" does not come as a means to God. It enhances our relationship with God because we are living the way God wants us to and God is showing us more of himself when we are living in the order of the way they ought to be. This brings me to this fountain. I believe this picture is a representation of how life is meant to be lived. This fountain is comprised of four different parts. The image of this fountain came to me during the middle of service. This whole idea of God’s order continued to pop up every once in awhile particularly after hitting dead dry land following my (it felt like endless) service in the DTES, and then everything clicked together during this service when a picture of a beautiful fountain flashed in my head. From the top of this fountain water was flowing out filling the first basin and as the first basin filled it overflowed into the slightly larger basin beneath it filling that basin up and so on until the very last very large basin. This last basin was filled with dried up soil that had cracks and punctures in it all over the place. The soil looked pretty much useless. As the water poured out into this last basin the dried soil began sucking every bit of this water but the water continued to flow into this soil. There was a never-ending supply of water from the point that overflowed from the top all the way to the bottom until the soil in the last bowl began to moisten. Soon enough little spurts of green life started popping here and there. There it was. God showed me a picture of the order, the way Jesus lived his life, and the way each and one of us are to live this life. It was the fountain-effect.

The very top of the fountain was a tiny point out of which water came from. This point represents the never-ending and everlasting supply of God’s love. Water, love, joy, goodness, grace, mercy overflows out of the point and begins to fill up the first basin. The first basin represents the relationship I have with God, my Father and the love that I share with my Father. Out of the overflow of that relationship, the love and all the goodness of God overflows into the second slightly larger basin which represents my relationship with my family. The closest I can define this family is to compare it to a cell in our body, a unit, the people we would consider to be moving in unison with us. For instance a wife and a husband are to be one. It is the smallest unit that works with you along this life’s journey. For Jesus the unit was his disciples. The third cup represents our love and our relationship with other believers, the body of Christ, the Church. The last basin containing the dried and punctured soil represents the world.

God helped me to realize that all this time I had it really mixed up. I had the most love, tolerance and compassion for the world. And then I judged the church and particularly church leaders or pastors for not being the church and the light in this world. I had higher expectations and I believed that the church ought to be more like this and this. So I tried being what I believed the church ought to be.. But God was saying to me, "Grace, I'm going to use the body of Christ to bring restoration and life into this world. It is through the "church", through this community of people who have chosen to surrender their lives to Jesus and allow Jesus to work through them, through a people who realize they don't have it altogether but recognize the One who does, through a body of believers who learn to love and be united with one another recognizing the different roles everyone plays in my kingdom, I am going to use them to bring life, healing and restoration into this world. Can you accept this? Will you be a part of this?"

I don't have it altogether. I mess up. I make mistakes. My efforts fail me. My love runs dry. But I know someone whose love never runs dry, who has it altogether, and who knows what it means to live. So I surrender myself to the only One who can make a way. I allow Jesus to possess me completely and give me true life. I am learning to love and be part of a community and I am finding more and more how each person plays such a valuable part in the body of Christ, each with different roles. Truly, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:34). There's a reason that the filling and the love and unity within the church basin comes before helping and loving the world basin. I am truly finding more and more that evangelism is a byproduct of being in relationship with the Father/allowing Christ to possess you. Out of that overflow eventually comes the healing of this broken and dried up land.