So I haven't really been keeping up to date on my blogspot about my journey with God but I am not even sure if anyone really comes on here except for the three people I know of already. But for the purpose of being up to date I shall update!
Since I have decided to reenter into the nursing program it has been challenging but super rewarding. Not only has my previous talent story, on one of my old blogs, prompted me to reenter but other huge confirmations/promptings. One of the biggest ones being God's reply to my thoughts of doubt regarding nursing as my career. I was unsure if this was really for me and whether this was really what I wanted to do with my life. He simply replied, "Grace, nursing will not be your identity. I give you your identity and I will use the skills and things you gain from nursing to do mighty things. Nursing is not the end goal. I have so much more in store. You can't even imagine. You must first take the first step of faith, trust and obedience. Then I will reveal the next step. Trust. Trust me. I love you. Trust me." Our pastor recently said to us at leadership retreat, "God reveals in the midst of obedience not beforehand" P.D. This has so far been true.
My sense of identity initially had come from this career that I had to choose and live with for the rest of my life. My identity hadn't come from God as my Father, whom I claimed to love and trust but it came from what I was able to make of myself. Everything I did was, I believed to be, out of my own effort including school, getting into University, and the first three years. School, friends, everything in my life generally came easily to me. I suppose I was one of those "hated" kids by others who experienced more difficulties in life. I never really took things for granted or at least I tried not to and was grateful for all that I had. I always wanted to serve God and others and make a difference BUT there was one fundamental thing that was missing. I was under the impression that everything flowed out of my effort. I was under the impression that I got into nursing and that I would use it to serve God and even use it to go on missions in the future. Even serving God I thought was out of my efforts. I did not fully understand trust, faith, dependence and obedience. It was by God's grace that He used my failure to bring about His good.
For the first time in my life I failed a course. Now this may sound like nothing for many people and even for me at the time I brushed it off as, "oh it's no big deal in the big scheme of things" while trying to guard my emotions in my distorted thinking that I was protecting myself and being strong and moving on. But: 1. I had received a nursing scholarship the year before, 2. I have never failed in my life..I grew up in an asian family, what more can I say. jokes. Actually I usually gave up before having a chance to fail when I didn't have confidence in something which is actually worse than failing. It was to protect my insecurity and gave me a false sense of security. Anyways, and 3. The way the nursing program was structured I was unable to retake this course on the side while continuing on with my other classes with my classmates. But I had to retake it with a whole new class that was one semester behind me. Now the classes are pretty small, around 60 people, so basically everyone would know.
Now before this point I was actually already on the fence about nursing. Now this completely threw me onto the other side. I didn't think nursing was for me. I took "time off" with the intention of finding another career during my time off but still having nursing as a back-up in case I couldn't find anything.
During that year off I had plans to go on missions, perhaps go travelling, find a new career path, learn some more guitar and do all the things I've been wanting to do during school. None of it happened. It was perhaps one of the worst years of my life. I plummeted into depression. I had strange emotions and I would break out into crying for unknown reasons. My boyfriend thought I needed to see a therapist or counsellor because he sure didn't understand me. I would get mad at him for suggesting such things but the truth was, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I was working three jobs and "doing church" and it wasn't until I came to a point of being honest with God about myself and how I felt, despite the logic I had been trying to drill into myself to protect myself and make myself feel better, when true healing and transformation began.
I was lost. I was burnt out. I didn't have any answers. I felt that everything I once believed in and held were slipping out of my hands. I didn't understand how to live as God wanted me to. I was upset about failing my course, extremely upset. I felt behind the rest of my classmates in life. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was upset with myself. I simply kept saying, "I just don't know". The only things that I really knew at that point were three things: 1. I did not want to go back into nursing, 2. I felt I needed to continue to work at one of my jobs, 3. I needed to trust one simple truth, that God is good.
By opening these things up God brought me to some uncomfortable but liberating realizations about myself. He asked me, "Why don't you want to return into nursing?" "Well, I don't want to bump into my old classmates at school and my other old classmates in the hospitals who would've graduated already. I would feel behind. I don't know if this is what I want to do. I'm afraid of failing again since then I'll really look like an idiot". I replied honestly. I realized I had some insecurity and identity problems. Then God said, "Grace, nursing will not be your identity. I give you your identity and I will use the skills and things you gain from nursing to do mighty things. Nursing is not the end goal. I have so much more in store. You can't even imagine. You must first take the first step of faith, trust and obedience. Then I will reveal the next step. Trust. Trust me. I love you. Trust me."
From this point on I dreaded absolutely dreaded every day that led me closer to returning to the program. Then I felt like a child again with worries about making friends with a new class who have already been together for a while. I was afraid of bumping into old classmates in the school or those working in the hospitals. I worried about how I would explain my situation to others. I worried about partner and group activities and who I would work with. A million thoughts and worries rushed through my head. But I chose to trust. I continued to remind God but moreso remind myself that there is a reason God wants me to do this even if I don't understand it. So I told God, "There is no way I can do this with my own strength. I've found that my efforts have failed me. I honestly have no motivation to be going back. I have absolutely no desire at this point. You're gonna have to work some magic God if I am really gonna do this. Only through You, can I do this. Only by You."
It was a 180 degree change. From, "I'm gonna do this and serve God with this" to "God, only by you. I need to depend on you every single day to do this".
The first four months I depended on God for strength and courage to make friends, not get discouraged, get through difficult classes, and be able to face old classmates. And He did. He gave me strength and later seeing old classmates didn't even evoke any emotions inside because I found confidence and knew where I was. When I struggled with being behind in life, God simply said to me, "Grace, would you rather be done school and working but still living under the same impression that you were under, or would you rather be here right now doing and knowing what you know, and doing this because you know that I CALLED you here". It was amazing and He healed my hurts and wounds just like that.
People from my new class liked me and from the beginning till this day I have always been asked to be someone's partner or work in a group together. God took care of even the smallest of my worries. Unfortunately I had been pretty anti-social, trying to find time to myself outside of school. Anyways, AND I developed an interest! I developed a keen interest and desire in mental health. It was amazing to see God come through in even the smallest things. I journaled almost every other day during these first few months to keep track of God's goodness and faithfulness in my life.
Then before entering the next four months I was paralyzed by fear. It was the very semester that focused on the very course that I had failed two years back but in a much "harder" version. Instead of subacute medical/surgical, it was acute med-surg. I hated it. I feared it. But I didn't really fear the clinical/practical aspect of it because I never really had problems in that area but just that one course aspect of it. I depended on God during these next four months to come through as well. I focused on my studies so that I wouldn't fail again. This time I had a hella clinical/practical experience. I thought I already experienced the worst clinical instructor the semester before during my geriatrics rotation but this instructor was so many times worse. My boyfriend said it was the first time he ever heard me call anyone a bitch and that she must really be one. I'm not proud of saying that. She gave me a tough time. She did it for the sake of the acutely ill patients but her brutal honest opinions mixed with her way of expressing it was extremely difficult to handle. I didn't always agree with her opinions and it was never stated constructively. I never thought an instructor could be so harsh. I remember going into a washroom stall one day after my mid-term evaluation before reading break and just crying when she gave me my evaluation and told me that I scared her. She didn't believe in me as a nurse. I just stood in the stall and before I knew it I had tears rolling down my face. In that stall I let out a prayer, "God, I am so sad. I am so hurt. This is so hard" and I weeped.
During my painful reading break I decided to really put my mind to turning things around but I have a problem with pressure. I have a tendency to crumble when I am under pressure. On my first day back I tried but I screwed up lots and of course my instructor noticed everything. But with continuous strength that came from my loving Father I made it through. She told me during my final evaluation that I really turned things around and stepped up my game after my mid-term evaluation. I passed clinical. All to my Father. I wouldn't have been able to do it without You. Then I somehow attained straight A's in all of my classes as well. God came through for me again and continued to remind me that He was with me and that there is a reason for all of this. During the midst of all this there have been many character building things. God was preparing me for something. I just didn't know what. But I discovered one simple statement that I began living by, "No matter what happens in life, there is nothing greater than walking with God". While walking with God I just fell more and more in love with Him.
Before entering into my final practicum I had to choose my area of interest for my placements. Now this is significant because this placement also semi-predicts the area that you may go into after graduation. Now as I had mentioned before I grew a keen interest for mental health. I did not expect this when I first entered into nursing. But I was fascinated by how much power our mind and emotions have on our body and health, how mental health is on a spectrum from stress on one side to schizophrenia. I also couldn't believe how such a vital part of our health is neglected and separated by society. Everyone including a huge chunk of my class clearly expressed interest in the body and med/surg hoping to eventually move into other areas of nursing such as ER, cardiac, etc. I've heard statements from classmates such as, "I got to do trach care this week. It was so much fun". In med school mental health is at the bottom of the list. Some nursing school don't even offer mental health. I hear story after story from patients about health care professionals who simply don't care and don't ever ask how they are feeling. We are too busy doing our tasks, achieving our goals, looking after too many patients, and looking at the illness that we forget the face and the person behind it all. My desire and spirit of advocating for mental health began to grow and grow. But I didn't want to pray about my placement.
I didn't want to pray about it because I was afraid that if I did, God was going to "challenge me"by going into the very area that I did not want to go into, med-surg. So I put off praying about it and putting in my placements information until the night before the sheets were due. That night I struggled and fought and I knew I couldn't just put in what I wanted while feeling comfortable with it without talking about it with God and hear what He had in mind. Besides it was His idea. He wanted me back in nursing. I couldn't live the rest of my life without knowing what He had in mind. If that meant going into med-surg I was gonna have to obey. So I went to Him in prayer with my dilemma knowing that doing so I was allowing the possibility of doing my final placements in the area that I hated.
